Trying to Swim

I know I said I would write this blog for you and me, but truth in the matter is that I honestly haven't been able to sit down and think of anything worth sharing with you all. It hasn't been the best few months and it hasn't been the worst. Multiple doctors, quite a few alternative treatments and time has eased the severe pain that was causing me to pop pill after pill for minimum relief. Not to say that I'm not still on drugs, OR experiencing pain- because I am- It's just a lot better. I'll take it. 

Even though I feel like I'm simply "existing," I guess my body has spent a few months trying to fix some serious damage. Truth: I haven't picked up the pen because while my body may be on the mending, my mind is not. I truly believe the excessive amount of poison has damaged me, my creativity, my motivation, desire for much of anything.  It's tough. This nonsense is tough and I'm not quite sure how people endure it for years. I have hope that if/when the poisons stop, I can work on finding me again. There's that "hope" word again. 

I want to apologize for not answering calls, or texts, or letters. I hope you all know how much your support and love means to me. Some days when I feel ill, it's very hard to even look at my phone screen and text back. I've never been a phone person and have found that it's nearly impossible for me to "chat" now. It's not easy to have small talk when there is nothing normal about your life- when it's so distant, you don't even recognize it. And there are only so many ways I can tell you I'm feeling "ok" when I really feel like shit and just don't want you to know. This is just me telling you that I love you all, even if I can't express it in the way I once did. I wanted to share this link because it is one of the most honest resources I've found yet. And don't feel guilty if you find you've said some of these- we're all human, friends: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nikhil-joshi/10-things-to-not-say_b_5296916.html?utm_hp_ref=tw 

On the other hand, I hate feeling rude or unappreciative but there comes a point where everyone around you thinks they know what's best for YOU- and they don't. I can't tell you how often I hear, "eat this, don't eat so much of that, juice this, take a walk, sit in the sun, take this vitamin, take a walk, have you been outside today?"... while it's appreciated, it's hard to explain to people that it's too much. Overwhelming. As if I don't have enough doctors trying to "fix me" and as if the straight week of juicing beets didn't ruin any desire I had to pull out that monster of a machine again and forcefully down ten ounces of thick vegetables daily. No, you don't "get used" to the taste, at least not when twenty plus infusions of chemo have annihilated your taste buds.  

I hate sounding so negative but I promised you all truth. Please check the disclaimer on this blog if need be. I hate complaining- it's actually one of my biggest pet peeves but I can't be honest with you all without sharing what is ailing me. 

On to bigger and more technical stuff (and a little lesson if you can actually believe it after reading this post). So on top of getting oxygen treatments for two hours and twenty extremely long minutes every weekday for a bit over a month, I've recently started acupuncture- and actually enjoy it. All of these methods to try and heal my destroyed digestive system. I think we're finally getting somewhere. I've still been a prisoner to chemo every 21 days and had my first blood transfusion last round. I hadn't realized, but my red counts were getting extremely low- a nice product of cumulative chemotherapy. Lord only knows how many I've had at this point. I've stopped counting for my own health. If that's possible? I know everyone keeps asking about scan-time. Seems like it's been forever but that's another word I'm beginning to despise, so please just follow the blogs, mine and my sister's for big updates like that- you all will know for sure when something happens. Right now we are waiting on scans, as there may be a new treatment in store in a couple months. Once we find out more, and definite plans, we will let you all know. 

It has officially been a year since I heard those dumb, dumb words from my doctor. Fact is, some doctors didn't think I'd make it this long...so there's something to be happy about. For today and for every day, when you think you can't go any further...just remember this great lesson:  

I sure as hell am trying to swim.